You know, thanks to you and a few others, I’m slowly learning to not care so much when people let me down. I don’t expect it, but it is most oftenly bound to happen. I’m just glad it doesn’t hurt as much anymore.
Instead, it makes me appreciate even more those who don’t disappoint me.
You win some, you lose some.
And sometimes I still want to tell people the same exact thing.
(via samzinator)
It’s hard to pretend I’m happy when I’m not, but that’s all that I can force myself to try to do sometimes. Otherwise I’ll start thinking too much, and that’s where it all begins to break down to pieces.
What sucks is that my mind has recently been spread in so many different directions when I really only need it to focus on one.
I need to study for my midterms. I need to stop worrying about everything else… but it’s too damn hard to force emotions out of the way. I can’t not think about things that bother me, things that make me sad, or things that scare me. I can’t help it.
Time went by so quickly. Midnight tonight marks exactly one year from the day Joe Le disappeared from our lives. A couple weeks after his service, I wrote a short summary of my feelings and experience with losing this close cousin of mine. I got about halfway through writing, and couldn’t get myself to finish. Eleven months later, I had the nerve to sit down and write out the last few paragraphs. I still remember it clearly. I doubt many people read this blog of mine, but being able to finally post this will leave my heart feeling lighter. Here it is.
Joe’s service was two weekends ago, Saturday April 9th to Monday April 11th. I’ve been busy ever since I got back to school so I never got to write a reflection about it, but here it is now.
To start, I must mention that the weather was absolutely wonderful on Saturday morning when my dad, sister, Trung, and I were on our way to Anaheim. It was the first time that I stayed awake in a road trip (usually, I just knock out as soon as we leave). What kept me up was my urge to build strength before seeing Joe, the fear that if I fell asleep, the ride would be much shorter than it already was. Six hours just wasn’t enough to prepare myself. But while I was awake, I noticed one thing that really surprised me. As I was watching the grass fields and hills fly by, I started to notice that the clouds were separated and distinct in shape. In fact, I could actually imagine images in every group of clouds for the first time (I never saw anything when I observed clouds before, but rather giant cotton puffs. I just figured I wasn’t as creative as others with this). And with the many different images that I saw, I couldn’t help but wonder if this meant anything more. Could it be you trying to cheer me up from above, Joe? That’s when “Hold On” by David Choi began to play on my iPod.
“Hold on, don’t stop your breathing. I see your dreams and I feel them too.”
We met up at Joe’s house along with all my other aunts, uncles, and cousins. His girlfriend, HQ, was also there, and although I really wanted to approach her, I found myself speechless. What was there to say? I knew she was distraught on the inside because we were all feeling that way. Like her, we were trying to disguise our sorrow with smiles. She eventually saw me and came over to say hello. I asked her how she had been doing and she answered (although still forcing a half-smile) with a heartbreaking “I’ve been really sad.” Those words repeated themselves over and over as I was changing into my black and white outfit in the bathroom. Was I feeling sad? Not quite yet. I was just scared. I was scared to see him, scared to face the truth. I wasn’t ready for it yet.
Before leaving, HQ, my cousin Anna, and I went to take a look at his room. It made me happy to see clothes thrown all over the floor, bed unmade, art materials left scattered around the room. Good ole’ messy Joe. I was glad that his family had left everything untouched; his liveliness still existed there because of it. I sat down on his bed and noticed doodles he had made on his closet mirror of himself dreaming about a girl. What was even more heartwarming yet heartbreaking at the same time? The moment we turned on his computer screen (his computer was left on since the day he went missing) and saw that his screensaver was a slideshow of photos of HQ. I immediately had the urge to leave, probably scared that if I stayed any longer, I’d actually start to feel sadness.
I was the last one to get to the mortuary, and was given the responsibility to watch the younger kids as soon as I got out of the car. I rushed them inside, impatient to see Joe. But as I got to the common room outside of where Joe was kept, my heart sank. There were people sitting at the tables, heads in their hands. There were loud sniffles, muffled cries. I glanced toward the door and saw Joe’s mom breaking down as his dad held onto her hands telling her, “Calm down. We’re going to go take a look at him now. You can hold his hand, but don’t disturb him. We need to let him go peacefully, okay? Are you ready?”
I wasn’t ready. Not in the least bit. I picked up my baby cousin Jessica and sat down on one of the chairs with her on my lap. Yes, I was supposed to watch over her, but I was actually rather using her as an excuse to sit outside instead of coming in. I felt choked as I noticed HQ lingering near the door, hesitant to enter. She came over and sat on the ground by my side. Tears came the moment she grabbed my hand and placed her head between her knees. I couldn’t hold it in anymore. This was reality. We were then joined by Anna, eyes pink from crying. She grabbed our hands, patted our backs, and told us Joe’s dad didn’t want to see us cry (He believed crying would make it difficult for his spirit to move on). But how would it be possible to not cry?
The both of us silently cried until Joe’s sister came out asking if anyone had anything they wanted to give Joe. HQ nodded and followed her inside. Anna turned to me and asked if I was ready. Those ten seconds that I took to decide were the longest ten seconds of my life. Was I ready? I wasn’t sure. A side of me was hesitant to face reality, while the other side of me wanted to run in there just to take a look at my cousin that I hadn’t seen since November (and will never see again). I guess I was just trying to avoid more heartbreak. I wanted to respect Joe’s parents by not crying but it was already hard enough to hold it in while I was in another room. I knew that if I stepped in and saw him, it would kill me to try to stay calm. Despite that, I also knew that if I could, I would avoid it forever. But if I were to do that, I would never get the chance to see him again while I could.
I walked in with Anna by my side and stood by Joe’s casket at the front of the room. For the first time in my life, I was overwhelmed with pain, disappointment, sadness, regret, confusion, and emptiness all at the same time. Thinking of it now, I honestly would have hit the ground and broke down like the baby that I am, if it wasn’t for trying to respect him as well as his parents and sister. Instead, I stuck my face in a tissue and cried. Just cried. Silently. Painfully.
Thoughts filled my head as I looked at him. ”Is this really you? This can’t be. What happened, Joe? Why are you here? Why aren’t you awake? We should have talked everyday. We should have visited each other more often. I should have gotten to know you completely. I should have updated you with my life. I should have asked you to tell me more about your situation with HQ. I should have asked you to design me something so that I could have a memory of you. Why did you have to go hiking? If only they found you sooner. I should have been there to help. How much pain did you suffer? This should not be you. Why is this you? I still need to bake you cookies. Wake up, Joe.”
He had on a nice blue sweater with a white collared shirt and light blue tie. It wasn’t something he would usually wear, but he looked good. Beside him were objects left by his family and friends. They included notes, a canteen, and flowers. What caught my eye was that his hair was slicked back and he had his glasses on. It’d been a while since I saw him like that. For a brief moment, I remembered what he looked like when we were both young and felt extremely nostalgic.
The entire time I spent at the mortuary, I was either watching his picture slideshow over and over or trying to recall memories with him and wondering how often I’d think of them in the future. Somehow even after crying so much, I still felt like I needed another reality check. Somehow, I was still lying to myself, unwilling to accept that he was gone. Somehow, I was trying to relive the memories as though they were the present.
I remembered the time we went to Disneyland with our aunt and uncle and split off to go on our own rides because they were too preoccupied with taking care of baby Jessica to enjoy the park. The first ride we went on was the Finding Nemo submarine that took us underwater, and I remember telling him I felt quite claustrophobic. He laughed at me and told me I sounded like our other cousin Julie. We went on a couple other rides, but the most memorable was my first roller coaster ride on Space Mountain. He tricked me into getting in line for it and wouldn’t let me leave, but in the end, I wasn’t as scared as I thought I would be. The funniest memory was when I tried to be adventurous and explore this walk-through ride that was so dark, I ran out after not even taking a good ten steps in. He rolled his eyes and made fun of me. The silliest memory was us taking pictures in ToonTown, one picture of him pretending to be locked behind rubber bars being the most clear to me. I remembered that the entire day was all about us making fun of each other, calling each other names jokingly. He constantly talked about how amazing he was, how I should feel honored to be his cousin (Hah, a typical snippet from a conversation with Joe.) Then he told me that to reward him for being so “awesome,” I should bake him cookies. I told him I didn’t know how to bake, and that he might find other things inside them besides what should be there. That’s how I got my nickname for him. Fish-Cookie-Face.
After seeing him in his casket, I was surprisingly at ease until the hour before I left for the car ride back home. Perhaps it was my family that kept me feeling so calm. They were all being so strong, so optimistic that I was easily influenced. As it got closer and closer to the designated time, I became more and more anxious. I walked around constantly and pointlessly, keeping distance from Joe’s casket. I knew I was still shaking loose from reality’s grip. And I was avoiding it. It hurt too much. It would be so much easier to just tell myself, everytime I visit his house in the future, that he had only gone out. I guess this conflict is the hardest part to explain. As I’m finishing up the last portion of this story about a year later, I’m still not sure how to put it into words.
After taking a last look at all the print-outs of his graphic designs and photography, and taking pictures with the G.I. Joe Team, my sister finally announced that it was time for us to go. I couldn’t help but feel relieved, I couldn’t take it being there anymore. Stay any longer and I would’ve gone crazy with my stupid, mixed emotions. We said our goodbyes to relatives, friends, passerbys who had the heart to stop by. Then made our way back into the room where Joe was. Our final words to him.
This ending is short, and I’d like to keep it this way just as much as I’d like to remember it that way for the sake of preventing myself from starting to overthink on this again. Thinking too much hurts.
We walked towards him. My parents, my sister, her boyfriend, myself. We watched him for what seemed like hours to me, and my dad finally picked up the courage to speak. ”Joe, Uncle is sorry that he couldn’t make it down for the search, but I can’t be more happy that they found you. It’s a shame for things to happen this way, but at last you’ve found your peace. We’re going home now, and this will be the last time we will see you. We can only wish for you to have a safe journey.”
Before we walked away, with one last quivering breath and a voice choked by sorrow, I said to him: “Bye, Joe.” and placed a small note in his casket.
“IOU cookies.”
And on the way home, Hold On - David Choi played once again on my iPod.
“I’ll never let go of you, I’ll never let go of you.”
Stephan Hoeller
I’m at my apartment complex’s study lounge and I just. can’t. study!
I drank a cup of coffee before coming here and was really set on studying for this second to last final (practically my last, considering I don’t really have to study for my Chinese final on Saturday), but for some reason I’m too jittery to even focus! My hands are shaking and I have so much energy, I just can’t get myself to read and take notes! I just ran like five circles around the entire room to get it all out, but here I am, still feeling that rush all over.
Making a fool of myself in front of my roommate isn’t too bad though, because we both have our crazy moments (all the time), especially when we’re high on caffeine and energy drinks. That’s the only thing that makes studying for finals fun!
Hopefully this crazy adrenaline rush settles down soon (of course, without the resulting crash) so I can study and ace my final tomorrow. Then after that, sleep for another 10 hours! Until then, I will do nothing but eat and breathe Biology.
It’s just one of those moments that get in your way during the day. Not necessarily that big of a deal, but still something to vent about. Especially this one. Otherwise, I’ll explode.
So tell me why people can be just so goddamned inconsiderate sometimes? Whatever happened to common courtesy? I understand that people let themselves get in way over their heads sometimes but there’s only so much this should affect you and how you treat others.
The reason why I’m so irked by this right now is because I just got out of a Chemistry final review (which, honestly, was worth it. I understand why everyone and their mothers showed up). But here’s the thing. This is the second review of the week, and unfortunately had to be held in the smallest lecture hall possible when they were expecting five times as much people. Knowing how crowded it would get, I got there a whole hour early… only to find there was already a good maybe 40 people standing around the door. Fine by me. First come first serve. But then in the next hour, about another 50 or so came in and this is where shit went down.
People (mind you, they were the ones that came later) were pushing their way through the crowd to get towards the door. Not only that, but some ignorant moron decided to open the door to the lecture hall to find that there was a class going on… and just left the door open. The poor people already inside the hall had to deal with almost 100 noisy, grumpy college students complaining outside the doors, and not only that, had to deal with pushing through this freaking barricade when class was over. Some couldn’t even leave the room.
After much screaming and yelling from the TA that was teaching the class, people were finally able to get out. But when coming in, I realized that the lecture hall was already full with the exception of maybe 5 dispersed seats. By who, you ask? The people who kept their asses glued to the seats or snuck in while the rest of us politely left the room to make sure the students from the previous period could leave. So with no actual seats left, the remaining number of us had no choice but to do everything to fit ourselves on the steps, and by fit I mean squeeze, and by squeeze I mean we packed ourselves like sardines.
Typing only this far has gotten me frustrated. Ugh, how I irritated I get thinking about how half of those people that got actual seats were the people who came in later than everyone else and just obnoxiously pushed themselves to the front. Even more irritated when I think about how a good number of these people already went to the FIRST review and didn’t even need to go to this one. There were people I talked to that waited outside those doors for two hours and didn’t even get to stay for the review because it was too freaking packed. There wasn’t even room on the floor!
People just need to start thinking for more than just themselves. My goodness.
OH & let’s not forget that while all this was happening, I received a text message that made me want to throw my phone across the room. Maybe I’ll vent about this later. The person that was mentioned in the text message just really isn’t worth a second of my time right now… or ever.
Time to pull this all-nighter. And then after this final, I’ll sleep for a good 8 hours. Once I wake up, I will stuff my face with ice cream and chips and go back to studying for the next final.
Alice Meynell
So the last couple of weeks were very interesting. First of all, the clinic group interview didn’t turn out super well, but it was alright because I wasn’t expecting too much. And after all, it was a really good learning experience! Just the downside of it was a certain someone showed up and turned out to be a part of my interview group. Now, I wouldn’t say I dislike this person, but I don’t quite like him either. I haven’t had very good experiences with him, and he always comes off as the arrogant type no matter what environment he’s in. I dreaded having to go through my first group interview with him there. But anyways, I tried my best to stay calm and be myself… so we’ll see how that turns out. I’ll hear in about a week or two!
Other (good) news, I finally got an internship! I’ve wanted this since summer but it has never worked out because either all the time slots were taken, or I just didn’t have time. But this time around, I decided that I wanted it really badly and worked all my classes around it. I’ve heard different things about interning for the ICC at Davis, but I guess I’ll just have to wait and see. Either way, I feel I’d still appreciate any experience I can get from that in addition to the pharmacy that I already work at. Another thing I must add is that because I made the decision to work my class times around this internship, I have a pretty good schedule (no classes on Thursdays… first time!!).
Other than that, I’ve been trying (my best not) to study for finals next week. I’m just not in the mood to get so stressed out just yet. Maybe when the time comes, haha. Instead, I’ve been relaxing and having good times with good company, cause I know what’ll happen if I have some alone time. Gotta enjoy all the joys of life before the tragic period of my life which is finals week!
Helen Keller